A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
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I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.