Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My wife gives the best headache.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.