Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
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#Caturday
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
You are not alone 💚
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”