[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
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Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share