You Might Also Like
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
That’s not how days work.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
my name if I was in the mob
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok