Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.