West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements