[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
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That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.