I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
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“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”