Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
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The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Dance like you’re not the father
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I wish this was real life…
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor