Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
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I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*