*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
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Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?