Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.