A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
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Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
This kid is going places
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Squirrels before girls.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
this post was so formative to me
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck