Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
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Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE