Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
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To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊