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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.