I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.