Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
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Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
A double negative is a big no-no.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.