I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
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ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Doggies just call it style.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.