My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
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You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
This is my favorite one of these!
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
seems like a niche market
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.