i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
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It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator