Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
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Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin