Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
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As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I put the p in pants.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.