One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
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BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.