son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
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People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO