I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
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SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”