Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes