Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
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How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink