My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
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Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!