Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
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He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.