*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
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[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]