Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!