[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers