I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
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5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?