[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
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I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.