first you must answer his riddles
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I’m half potato on my dad’s side
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.