If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
🔦🌙👣
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth