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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
This was a bad idea all around
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
same bro