I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
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ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
New tinder profile pic
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter