Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
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How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.