Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
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Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
looks legit
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.