[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
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You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
*me flirting
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions