Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
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In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Holy crap this is wonderful
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages