Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
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*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.