i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
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Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I triple waxed for this?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction