WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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Meanwhile in Canada…
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
How does one answer this?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Had to try this trend 😊
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND