My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
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The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
#titanic
*performs CPR on the turkey*