A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
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Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.