At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Mornin. * use accordingly
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you